Frozen Heart
by Digimon Caislean
Summary: Tai has a confession to tell Matt. How will Matt react to it? Very angsty and sad. Yaoi.
1. Default Chapter

**FROZEN HEART  
BY DIGIMON CAISLEÁN**

Disclaimer: I don't have anything to do with Digimon. I write for fun!  
Please read and review. Thanks :)

The air was crisp as I breathed it deep into my lungs. It's a cold night. So cold that I shouldn't be out in it. I could catch my death...  
I stuffed my hands in my pockets to try to stop them from going totally numb. My efforts are useless though. I quicken my pace. I figure if I move fast I'll get warmer. Eventually. There's no point in even trying though. Not tonight...

My footsteps is the only sound I can hear. Echoing threw the streets with every step I take. It annoys me somewhat. People will be aware that I am there. Alone. It's too quiet. I feel like I'm been followed. Anyone could be watching me from a bush or a window. I know I'm just been paranoid. It's happening a lot to me lately. There's nothing I can do about it.

I'm beginning to realize why I feel so cold. So God damn ice cold inside. My heart. It's completely frozen. It's more numb and cold then the rest of my body. It use to be warm and healthy. Not anymore though. It's broken in half and frozen. I refuse to let it have any more feelings. What's the point? Next time it might shatter into a million pieces. No I won't let that happen. There won't be a next time. I forbid my heart to beat faster, to make me feel all mushy inside at the sight of someone else. I forbid it. It won't have time to happen anyway. I'll make sure of that...

The bridge comes into my full view. I walk to the center of the bridge and stop. I look up at the sky. So empty. So black. Like me in a way. Except for those bright spots. The moon and the stars. They're so pretty. So full of life. Sparkling and shimmering up in the night sky. So not like me. I guess I use to have a bright spot. But it fizzled out when my heart froze. I almost get lost in that moment. Gazing up at the sky. Wishing that I could be a star. With no problems and no pain. Maybe I will, one day...

I sigh heavily and gaze down leaning over the edge of the bridge. The water deep and glassy had a calming effect on me. It's the only thing moving. The rest of the world cease to move. Except for this water. Moving ever so slowly without a sound. It just seems so inviting...

I get up on the ledge, face the water and sit down. With my legs dangling down above the water. Before I do it I want to think of my angel. The one who made my life worth living. I let my mind go back to last night when I last saw him.

***FLASHBACK***  
  
"Hey Tai" Matt said from behind me, on the bridge.  
I jumped from the sudden sound and turned around. I didn't hear him approach. I was too engrossed in my thoughts. My heart skipped a beat. He looked so angelic in the silver moonlight. He brushed his blonde fringe out of his face. Something I wish I could of done.  
"Hey Matt" I said trying to keep my tone normal.  
"So, why did you want to meet me hear?" He asked.  
I turned back around and resumed to staring out at the view. He joined me. He was so close to me. Close enough to touch...  
I stole glances at him every few seconds. No one was around. It was like the world was deserted and me and Matt were the only ones there. The only ones that mattered.  
"Well?" He finally pressed.  
I turned my head to gaze at him and he did the same. I wanted to get lost in that moment forever. But I knew I couldn't do that.  
"Matt, I wanted to meet you hear because there's something I need to tell you. Something big." I said seriously with my heart practically in my mouth.  
"What is it?" He asked concerned. His expression was an expression of worried. Worried about me.   
"Well" I began.   
I paused for a moment and then and then continued.  
"Matt you're my best friend. You know that I would never intentionally try to ruin our friendship." I stopped to think for a second.  
"I know that Tai. You're my best friend too" he informed me with a smile trying to relax me.  
I take a deep breath and continue.  
"That's why what I say next comes straight from the heart. Matt, I love you."

His eyes widened with shock. I looked back at him for some type of response or reassurance. Nothing. He was just standing there staring at me in disbelief. I started to panic  
"Matt?" I said trying to prompt him for some type of response.  
"I'm sorry Tai" he said while shaking his head. "I didn't expect you to say that. I had no idea you felt that way about me. I'm sorry Tai but I don't feel the same way" he said weekly.  
Those very words came at me like a big blow. I was heartbroken. I looked back at Matt helplessly not knowing what to say next. I was scared to speak. I knew that if I started talking tears would start rolling down my face.

"Tai, this hasn't changed anything. We are still friends" he said.  
I turned my head and looked out to the water again. Trying to shade my tears and hurt from him.  
"I'm sorry Tai" he said almost in a whisper.

I couldn't help but feel bitter towards him. I couldn't look at him. Man, how selfish am I? He could of turned his back on me or said that we could never be friends again. But he didn't. The only person who I love, who I would do anything for rejected me. I felt horrible.  
"I just need to be alone" I somehow managed to choke out.  
"Ok I understand. Goodnight Tai." He turned around and walked away leaving me on the lonely bridge.  
That was when I broke down in tears. I was devastated. I don't even know how I managed to get home in one piece. Well I guess I was in one piece but my heart wasn't.

***END FLASHBACK***

Well I may as well get this over with. There's no point in dragging this out. Is there? I look down at the inviting water again and smile to myself as I picture Matt in my head. With that last and final thought in my head I leap of the ledge and fall into the ice cold water of freedom.

THE END: To check out my other fics and lots of cool Digimon stuff go to my site: www.geocities.com/digimoncaislean . This is my twelfth fic. I finished it on 18/8/01. Please review it and let me know what you think of it. Thanks :)

_I dedicate this fic to my dog Brandy who died of old age. I love and miss you so much. You will always have a special place in my heart and I thank you for your friendship. It's not always easy been an only child! You gave me great company and I will always treasure our memories._


	2. Frozen Heart Chapter 2

**FROZEN HEART CHAPTER 2  
BY DIGIMON CAISLEÁN**

Disclaimer: I don't have anything to do with Digimon. I write for fun!  
Please read and review. Thanks :)

"Ring, ring. Ring, ring"  
I groaned lightly to myself as I turned over. I hate been waken up from a peaceful slumber. The phone kept ringing . It should of stopped by now I thought to myself. Remembering that my father had gone to work early I knew that I was the one who had to answer the phone. It might be important...

I pulled myself out of bed and made my way to the kitchen. I cleared my throat and picked up the phone.  
"Hello" I said trying to sound awake.  
"Matt?" I heard a shaky voice reply uncertanly.  
"Yes, who is this?" I asked curiously.  
"Matt, this is Sora" she said quickly.  
"Sora, what's the matter? You sound worried about something."  
"Oh Matt, you haven't heard."  
"Heard what? Sora, what's going on?" I asked eagerly.  
There was a short pause, that seemed to last ten minutes. When as a matter of fact it only was a couple of seconds.  
"It's Tai."  
I remained silent waiting for her to finish.  
"He's dead Matt" she said in a trembling voice.  
My mind went blank. It wouldn't let those words sink in. It couldn't let those words sink in. I felt the colour drain from my face as my legs began to feel like jelly. I grabbed onto a chair for support just before my legs gave way. I sat myself down and tried to stop myself from totally braking down.  
"Matt, Matt?" I heard Sora's voice again.  
I shook my head slightly and took a deep breath.  
"I'm still here" I somehow managed to say.   
Sora began to sobbing on the phone.  
"I'm so sorry, Matt" she sobbed.  
"How did it happen?" I found myself asking.  
"He committed suicide last night on the bridge."

I gasp raising my free hand to my mouth. The memory of last night comes flooding into my mind. Tai. The bridge. His confession. My rejection. It all came back too fast. Everything was swarming around in my head. I just left him. It's all my fault. I should of seen it coming. I'm such a baka. All of a sudden tears started flooding out of my eyes. Usually I would be the type of person to put up a fight or blink back the tears but at that moment I just didn't have the energy or the willpower.   
"Matt, Matt are you still there?" Sora called to me sounding alarmed.  
"I'm here" my voice cracked out.  
"I'm coming over. See you in ten."  
"Ok" I mumbled.

Within ten minutes the doorbell rang. I got up from my little spot on the cold kitchen floor and opened the door. As soon as I saw Sora's pain stricken face. I collapsed into her arms crying hysterically. She started crying and somehow managed to get me into the kitchen and onto a chair. I put my elbow on the kitchen table and rested my forehead in between my cold fingers. I started to shake. Sora got me a glass of water but I couldn't hold it. My hand felt like putty. It wouldn't grip the glass. Sora knelt in front of me and stroked my hair out of my eyes.  
"Shhh" she whispered.  
"Why Sora? Why did Tai have to die?" I whailed.  
"I don't know" she let out in a course whisper.  
"Ah, it's all my fault!" I shouted while getting up and pacing up and down the room.  
"Matt, what are you talking about? It's not your fault. Please sit down" Sora pleaded.  
  
I turned around and looked Sora straight in the eye. The look seemed to frighten her a bit. She was unsure of what I was going to say.  
"He told me he loves me last night and I rejected him. He was so upset. He was crying" I said slowly.  
Sora gasped and then scrambled up to her feet. She walked over to me and hugged me.   
"It's not your fault. I mean come on what were you suppose to do? Lie to him? Tai's your friend and you told him the truth. There was nothing you could of done to stop him. He wanted it this way" Sora said trying to sooth me.  
Even though her words were calming it was short-lived.  
"I feel weak. I need to lie down" I said dazily.  
"Ok, here let me help you."  
Sora helped me into my room and laid me down on my bed. I closed my eyes briefly. Sora went out to ring my dad. When she came back in I propped myself up onto my pillow.   
"Does everyone know?" I asked.  
"They should all know by now yes."  
I sighed heavily and leaned back.  
"Do you want me to get TK?" She piped up.  
My eyes flung.  
"Yes...Please" I said eagerly.  
She smiled weakly at me and went to phone me.

Within a half an hour TK was there. Sora left to visit Kari who needed support. TK didn't fight back his tears. He just let them come. All I wanted was for him to hug me and tell me that everything was ok. It was as if he read my mind. He hugged me tightly letting more tears fall out of his eyes and seep into my shirt. I needed to talk to someone about what happened. I spilled the whole thing out to TK. He listened intensively. Never once interrupting me. He hugged me again.   
"Matt, don't for one second think that any of this is your fault."  
I nodded.  
"Promise" he said sounding worried.  
"I promise" I said reassuring him.

The funeral was horrible. There wasn't a dry eye in the place. Mrs. Kamiya was hysterical. Kari was a ghostly white. Like she didn't really exist. Mr. Kamiya was slightly shaking while a few tears escaped down his cheeks. All our friends were there bawling their eyes out. I wanted that day to end. It just felt so horrible. We finally made it to the cemetery. It was eerie, knowing that this is where Tai is going to be forever. As they lowered Tai into the ground Kari collapsed screaming. Her parents grabbed her.  
"No, no this isn't happening" she screamed. "You're suppose to protect me forever" she sobbed.  
I felt weak again and burst into tears. Joe caught me before I fell and put my head between my legs. The rest of the day was a blur. It just felt like a nightmare. I kept waiting for when I would wake up and still to this day I wait.

I drop my pen and yawn looking over my sheet.   
'I do feel better actually' I think to myself. 'The therapist was right. If you write down whatever's on your mind it does help to clear your mind.'  
I look at the stone in front of me where I sit cross legged. I read the words on the stone again.   
"With loving memory to Tai Kamiya. Beloved son, brother and friend. Rest in peace."  
I smile at the little picture of Tai. Something I haven't done in ages.  
"See you tomorrow Tai" I say while getting up and moving away.   
I look around. It's a hot day, the sky is a sea blue, with not one cloud. I breath in the fresh air and for the first time I have a happy thought.

THE END: Please review it and let me know what you think of it. Thanks :)  
This is my twelfth fic. To check out my other fics and lots of cool Digimon stuff go to my site: www.geocities.com/digimoncaislean  


_I dedicate this fic to my dog Brandy who died of old age. I love and miss you so much. You will always have a special place in my heart and I thank you for your friendship. It's not always easy been an only child! You gave me great company and I will always treasure our memories._


End file.
